Self Doubt

I wish I could see myself as others see me.  This past week at the firm's annual All Hands meeting my managing director presented me with an award.  Me?  Of all the people at the firm he said that I embodied the values our firm appreciates most.  He said the nicest things about me, and I wish it was recorded because once I realized he was talking about me - I went into shock mode.

I started thinking about all the other consultants he could be speaking about.  It couldn't possibly be me?

Although, it was me.  He called my name.  He awarded me.  The audience stood and applauded me.  Me?

I couldn't believe he was awarding me because I have a secret...

...sometimes I go home and wonder if I'm any good at my job.  It's a familiar thought in my week.  I go home and think I should start looking for a new job.  My job is demanding.  I fight battles every day.  I don't win all the battles.

This isn't a cry for help blog post.  I'm not a fragile person.  Truthfully, I wish I could see myself as others see me, because I think others see me better than I see myself.  I've never felt smart enough, talented enough, athletic enough, handsome enough to do most things.  At times I can still feel like the elementary version of myself, which was struggling to read, write, and spell...sometimes I feel like everyone else is on chapter 5 and I'm still reading the first paragraph.  It's a familiar feeling in my week.

I do the best I can do today, and I have hopes of being better tomorrow.

Perhaps I cannot appreciate my strengths because I'm focusing on my weaknesses?  I don't know.  What I do know is that winning the award makes me feel like I shouldn't doubt myself so much.